In adults with ADHD, problems with sexuality are often present. Some studies show that 40% of people with ADHD experience sexual dysfunction. This is because ADHD symptoms affect sex.
Aside from issues stemming from RSD (rejection sensitivity dysphoria, which I wrote more about here), here are 5 ADHD symptoms that directly impact sexuality in adults with ADHD, specifically problems related to relationships tied to ADHD symptoms:
Hyperactivity
In adults with ADHD, hypersexuality or an increased libido is common. Additionally, the need for movement, novelty, and frequent changes in activities and positions can interfere with deeper intimacy during sexual relations.
Impulsivity
Impaired emotional self-regulation can lead to a range of relationship issues, such as aggressive outbursts, infidelity, reliance on pornography as a means of self-regulation, and a tendency toward risky behaviors (e.g., unprotected sex due to an inability to delay gratification).
Sudden mood swings can also lead to a sudden loss of interest in sex during the act.
Hypersensitivity
Sensory hypersensitivity or reduced sensitivity can affect you by making stimuli that don’t bother others distracting to you (for example, a partner’s beard that you didn’t notice until recently, now irritating you with an abnormal scratch, or pressure that was perfect yesterday but feels too weak today, etc.).
This can also be a hidden cause of hyposexuality, or reduced libido.
In women, these changes are more pronounced due to changes in sensitivity depending on the phases of the menstrual cycle, which directly affect the expression of ADHD symptoms.
Impaired attention
Distracted attention is a challenge when trying to engage in intimacy. I’m not just referring to external distractors like noise, TV, phones, or pets, but also internal hyperactive thoughts and plans waiting for you afterward, which you hold onto so you don’t forget them.
Dopamine hunger
During foreplay and anticipation, dopamine is released. When we engage in sexual intercourse, endorphins are released, which calm the symptoms of ADHD. It’s no wonder we’re more prone to the previously mentioned hypersexuality.
Unfortunately, sexual addictions and pornography addiction are dangerous, as dopamine is strongly released, and each time, a greater and more exciting stimulus is needed to achieve the previous level of excitement.
This can significantly damage partner and intimate relationships, as this type of stimulation is no longer sufficiently stimulating to arouse interest.
How to support yourself?
Guide your partner through the symptoms of your ADHD.
Your partner may not be aware that what distracts you from the relationship isn’t his belly or thoughts about the new colleague at work, but the dishes you haven’t washed, the last conversation with a friend that didn’t go well, or the new sheets you haven’t gotten used to yet.
Manage your environment
As with work and studying, the recommendation is to minimize frequent distractions. Your phone certainly doesn’t belong in the bedroom, nor should there be a pile of clothes on the bed.
This will also support you in the habit of maintaining order so that you’re not distracted from more interesting activities.
Plan your sex life
Yes, you read that right. There’s a common misconception that sex should be spontaneous. However, when you look at the most exciting moments, they always happen when there was anticipation—first date, first kiss, first sex. This is because dopamine is released due to the anticipation. Introduce flirting, seduction, and preparation throughout the day, and truly—schedule it. 🙂
Be proactive in sex
Confidently show your partner what you (don’t) like, even if it was different yesterday. Sexuality is fluid and playful, and if you approach it this way, every time can be exciting and interesting because you’re not approaching it from a place of doing things “automatically” or out of routine.
Physical activity
Sometimes, there can be a mismatch in libido levels within a relationship. If you’re the partner with a higher libido, try to channel the excess energy productively through exercise, sports, or running. If you feel the mismatch is too great, consider the next step.
Couples and individual therapy
Especially if the relationship involves two neurodivergent individuals, aside from different sensory needs, a lack of communication skills and assertiveness can lead to tension and arguments. If you don’t know how to express your needs in the right way, it’s unlikely they’ll be met.
Additionally, impaired emotional self-regulation can lead us to make impulsive decisions we later regret. Due to people-pleasing tendencies, we often stay in relationships that don’t actually satisfy us. For this reason, individual and couples therapy can be a logical next step.
Medications for ADHD
If your main challenge in regulating your sexuality is a lack of dopamine, which causes you to constantly seek new excitements, medication therapy can reduce symptoms. It will also support you if your primary challenge is a lack of focus. If you notice that taking other medications (e.g., antidepressants) undesirably lowers your libido, talk to your doctor.
Movies, series, books, and entertainment content about sex and sexuality
Two documentary series I highly recommend are Principles of Pleasure and Sex, Love & Goop, both available on Netflix.
A series that shows what impaired emotional self-regulation looks like and its consequences in the context of sexuality is Sex Life (Netflix).
A film that shows how the desire for novelty and experimentation can go too far is Newness (2017).
I recommend the film Sex Appeal, which shows how modern neurodivergent high school seniors explore sexuality.
An author I highly recommend is Esther Perel, with her books Mating in Captivity and The State of Affairs.
Sources:
https://www.webmd.com/add-adhd/adhd-sexual-problems?fbclid=IwAR3UbTVwqEWIS8Y2iaP0wfhnrsJSuzY5rIhvSZXwPVLYdm2BGk5GOt2iF28
https://www.healthline.com/health/adhd/adult-adhd-sex-life?fbclid=IwAR2rMykVdJmGBrnHOFXS3YVfnD16Std0G7POb-OqqCsL0a9v-R27SL9ilzw#hypersexuality
https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/321860?fbclid=IwAR07ay_-2tpMUiAh8aVuVv3iVYrknkA4OAsgkZF1B0iE3pWwLDpErxP5YDU#takeaway