If you have A(u)DHD, you might often find yourself in situations where you say “yes” when you actually mean “no.” You might not even notice how often this happens until you catch yourself working overtime, volunteering for your third project in a row, or agreeing to yet another favor for a friend—while your own tasks remain unfinished.
Why is people-pleasing so common among those of us with A(u)DHD? Here are a few reasons:
- Sensitivity to rejection: You might be particularly sensitive to the possibility of disappointing someone. The fear of conflict or disapproval can be so strong that you’ll do anything to avoid it.
- Impulsivity and quick decisions: You say “yes” without thinking because it sounds like a good idea in the moment, only to realize the consequences later.
- Need for validation: When you feel like you’re not good enough, it’s natural to seek approval from others. The mind says, “If I make them happy, maybe I’ll feel better too.”
- Confusion with boundaries: Sometimes, it’s hard to recognize your own limits and boundaries. It’s easier to say “yes” than to deal with the discomfort of setting boundaries.
Often, my clients, when we talk about setting boundaries as people pleasers, say that they “don’t know how to say NO.” It’s not that you don’t know how; it’s that you don’t dare because of the consequences you fear.
Saying NO often means risking disappointing, upsetting, or even angering someone.
It’s possible that, as a child, saying no was completely unavailable to you, and you were expected to agree to everything. This didn’t give you the chance to practice staying in the discomfort of disappointing someone.
In addition, if you did dare to refuse, you might have been made to feel guilty by an emotionally immature parent who would say, “If you don’t do this for me, you don’t love me!”
If you struggle to regulate your own emotions today, regulating someone else’s can feel even more overwhelming. If you’re neurodivergent, it can take you up to 4 times longer to truly process a sentence or question!
For these reasons, you might recognize yourself in one of the 7 most common mistakes in setting boundaries:
- You are waiting for “the right moment” to come
- You agree before thinking it through
- You first think about how the other person will react
- You expect the other person to “figure out” what bothers you
- You become passive-aggressive and complain instead of stating what you need and want in time
- You guess how the other person feels without checking (and end up concluding the worst-case scenario)
- You subconsciously wait for someone else to set the boundary
As a people pleaser, you may develop a “sneaky” defense mechanism—perfectionism. Are you trying to do everything “the right way” in relationships, figuring out what others need, and understanding them to avoid conflict?
Behind this, there are 4 main beliefs: I need to be useful to others, pleasant company, selfless and modest, and reliable (not make mistakes)
All of this leads to the same result – you don’t set boundaries.
This is especially true for us neurodivergent individuals, where you feel like you’re either “too much” or “not good enough” and that you have to go the extra mile for others.
How to overcome people pleasing:
Notice the pattern: Start noticing when and why you say “yes.” Are you doing it out of fear, habit, or a genuine desire to help?
Practice the pause: When someone asks you for something, pause. Say, “Let me think about it and get back to you.” This gives you time to assess your real capabilities.
Set priorities: Ask yourself, “Will this help my goals, or will it make things harder for me?” Often, people-pleasing is the result of putting others’ needs ahead of your own.
Practice saying “no”: Start with small steps. Instead of saying “I can’t,” say “Thank you for thinking of me, but I’m not able to right now.”
Work on self-awareness: Write down situations where you agreed to something you didn’t want to. How did you feel at the time, and how do you feel now?
Use reminders: If you have ADHD, reminders are your best friends. Write on your mirror, on a post-it, or as a screen saver on your phone: “My boundaries matter. I have the right to say ‘No.’ When I say ‘Yes’ to others, I say ‘No’ to myself.” and so on.
Talk to close people: An honest conversation about your need to set boundaries can open doors for support from friends and family.
Practice assertiveness: Use phrases like, “I appreciate you asking, but this doesn’t work for me right now.”
Remind yourself of your worth: Your value is not determined by how helpful you are to others.
Seek professional support: Psychotherapy can help you explore why you tend to please others so much and how to develop a healthier relationship with yourself and others.
Until you have built self-esteem and awareness of your values and needs,
you won’t even be able to build self-confidence.
If you believe you don’t have the right to say anything, you won’t use it.
If you don’t know what your rights are, you can’t even represent them.
If you don’t believe in yourself, others won’t take you seriously either.
If you don’t dare to do it your way, you will constantly look for guidance and answers from outside. translate
It’s okay to look for someone who will ask you the right questions to find your answers, rather than looking for ready-made solutions. Because you are unique and you need to find your own way.
If you recognize yourself in this and feel it’s time for a change, together we can explore what drives you, how to set healthy boundaries, and learn how to say “No” without feeling guilty. Because you know what? Your “no” is often the biggest “yes” — to yourself. Contact me for shared growth here .